Monday, February 4, 2008

Stumbling Along

Each day I try my very best to walk in Christ, to live as he would have me live. Each day, I fail. I take my walk with God in the morning, talking praying, asking, listening. By the time I get home I usually feel pretty good and encouraged for the day. If I am by myself, working, I am pretty good. But dealing with others is challenging right now, mostly because I am still living in fear. Fear of running out of money. I have committed to so much that I cannot pull off alone and many of the humans that I have enlisted to help me are not helping me a great deal. I have turned them over to God, I have thanked God for the help he has sent me. But there are still a couple of people that are on my payroll that are not producing. Let them go, you say ! But it is not that easy, they are friends in need and it was meant to be a long term project....

I pray to God to carry this burden that he has given me. But I still feel as though I am carrying it.

But back to me and my failures. One morning this week, my husband had just gotten home the night before from a long business trip. I was happy to have him home, but for some reason, my mind started in on all my worries when I awoke in the morning. So I started to read my bible, it was early and he was trying to catch a little more sleep, had gotten in late the night before. We both started to get up for the day, and he said he was going out to do some errands. This upset me because we needed to talk and get caught up and I wanted to have breakfast with him. He could not understand my upset, and I got even more upset. We ended up in a huge fight, yelling, slamming doors, etc. And I had just finished praying for help in this relationship ! I was using logic with my husband, trying to make him understand my upset. He never did understand me. Is this an example of where I need to submit to my husband? And what about him cherishing me? I am not sure, but I am pretty sure that I failed to act as Christ would have me act. I know I don't have the strength right now to do this on my own. I ask for him to strengthen me and live in me every moment of every day. I am studying his word, I am praying and praising him, I am spending time with other Christians and I am still failing. Please Lord, do not abandon me. I am your child and your servant, I need you !

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